I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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