when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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