Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
