My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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