If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You took a bar mat shot.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
