i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
