The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
