who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
