wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Randomize
