BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
