I wanna passion pit in your ass
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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