That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
