dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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