Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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