Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
