How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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