You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?