I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
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he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
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In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.