I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
