apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
