my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
this will be a night to untag.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
