Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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