I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
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I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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