i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
