Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
