A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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