Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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