I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
