I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
