i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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