went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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