i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
