Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
