Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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