he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The air was thick with penises
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
