After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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