I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
