Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
