we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
