i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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