Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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