Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
