I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...