ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.