life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
These 23 People Had Crazy Sex With Complete Strangers
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
23 Medical Examiners Reveal The Most Disturbing Causes Of Death They’ve Seen
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me