i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid