I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
