Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
