I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
