Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
