Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
