I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
