I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
