Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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