I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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