the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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