You just made me feel so damn special
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
