I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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