ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
