i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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