you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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