just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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