Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize